Sam's Story

My name is Sam Tutanuak and I am a Senior Advisor for Angutiit with the Department of Health. I was born and raised in Baker Lake but lived the majority of my life in Rankin Inlet. I have been living in Iqaluit for the last two and a half years, where I work to develop programming to promote mental wellness among men.

Right now, I am working on a project called Atii Angutiit where we plan to go to every Nunavut community for a two-day workshop to talk about men’s wellbeing and the challenges Nunavummiut go through. On the first day, we get to know participants and hear from local motivational speakers, watch performances and let people paint on a napuk for the qamutik. For the second day, we invite everyone to come back and discuss what community members want to see in their community.

I wanted to do this project because I am tired of seeing death by suicide, especially amongst men. There have been consistently high numbers of suicide over the last couple of years and we need to have programming that can positively impact people and promote change. We are a small population of only 37,000 people in Nunavut. It hurts that people are constantly losing family members and friends. We need to think about how we can look at making life better for Nunavummiut.

So far on my community visits, there have been some incredibly powerful moments. For the first night, we bring a big sign that says “Taima” for people to know that it’s enough and that we need our people to stop taking their own lives. I invite the group to take as many nails as possible they want to represent people they have lost to suicide and to hammer them into this sign. In Whale Cove, when people hammered the nails, they were saying the names of the people they lost. It was incredible. We want to show people that there is sometimes a spark at the end of the tunnel, not always a light, but even just a little spark is enough to try to get through. That is my experience.

For three quarters of my life, I was abusing my body with addictions. It started when I was 12 years old, smoking marijuana on the weekends to hide my pain. As I became an adult, weekends were not enough and it became Friday to Sunday, Friday to Monday, Friday to Tuesday and It kept getting worse. At my lowest, I would smoke throughout the whole day, from morning until I went to sleep in the evening. If it was not marijuana, I would drink alcohol and sometimes this was better because I could get drunk to the point of blacking out and not have a clue of what was going on. I didn’t have to think about my trauma from my childhood.

Once I went to speak at a high school in Rankin Inlet, I asked the students “Show of hands, when you graduate high school, who wants to become a doctor?” A few hands went up. “What about a nurse?” A few more hands went up. “Mechanic, or other trades?” Others raised their hands. Then I asked them, “How many people want to be an addict?” No one raised their hand. “That was like me. I didn’t want to become an addict, but it happened.”

I am over two years completely sober. For a while I thought I would quit cannabis products but I would still be drinking or the other way around. I was not fully sober, and it was not helping. I spent 41 years being actively addicted to substances. In June 2020, I had a friend text me that they wished I could see what they saw. They said I was not the same Sam Tutanuak that they had known and that I had become a very hurt and angry version of him. The last message that person texted me was “Get Help”. When I saw it the next day, it felt like a wake-up call to me. People that I care about are wanting me to get better. It was soon after this that I decided to try and make a change to better myself and I went to a treatment centre down south. It was the best thing I ever did in my life. To be sober for two years feels awesome and I pat myself on my back because it’s hard, but I’m doing it.

During my first encounter with a counsellor at the treatment centre, he came in the door and asked me “Is alcohol the problem, or are you the problem? Are drugs the problem, or are you the problem?” I replied, “Well I guess I’m the problem”. He responded “Good, you are in the right place!”. He was very helpful to me, and it is people like him who really care that make a huge difference in people’s lives.

The treatment centre gave me a lot of challenges and made me really reflect on my life. When I was asked to label myself as an alcoholic and I was comparing myself to other people I knew who I considered alcoholics, I thought I was not like them. I was only a weekend drunk. But I had to take a step back to see that alcohol, cannabis and I, do not get along. Substances overpowered me. To admit that I had that problem was a very powerful moment and humbling moment.

Through counselling, I was able to reflect on the harm that I did. I called home and I told my family that I was sorry. I was sorry for the way that I had been treating them. There were times that I didn’t prioritize my family. I didn’t care if there was no food or milk around the house. That is what addiction did to me. I was sorry that I put my kids through that pain and that I transferred my pain onto them.  I had to get away from Nunavut to talk to an individual, to tell them about my past and begin to process what happened to me. I walked out of treatment and I felt lighter. The pain was still there but it wasn’t as heavy anymore. It took me a long time to admit that the abuse happened and to realize I needed help. It takes a lot of courage.

Even though I have gone to treatment and been sober for over two years, I still have moments where I am tempted to use substances again, especially with it being so easy to get. Anytime I begin to think about getting in line for some beer or going to buy cannabis products, I tell myself that I can easily have another relapse but can’t guarantee that I will have another recovery. It would mess me up big time and I would lose my job. I would lose relationships with my friends and family as well as lose all of the progress I have made.

I was hesitant to share my story in this way because it is so personal to me, but someone out there that needs help might read this and it could help them. If I can help save one person, that is everything. Many Inuit have gone through what I went through or know someone who has or is. I want to be able to share my story and say I know what it is like to hide and shut down. I know what it is like to want to drink or smoke and forget about all the bad that had happened in my life.

I hope whoever is reading this, is inspired to, like my friend said, “Get Help.” I am available to help and support people.

When I was at treatment, somebody gave me their sobriety story and it inspired me to be who I am and not hide behind substances. It is my turn to pass on mine.